One note at a time

Well, this feels weird. It’s been a while since I last wrote a blog post of any kind and it feels somehow strange to be staring at a fresh new page. But also kind of symbolic for what’s been going on in my life lately. I’m hoping that writing this blog post will give me some clarity on where I want this new chapter to take me.

Writing has always been a BIG part of me but I fell out of love with it somehow. I’m not sure if I lost my passion or just became lazy. Or maybe it was the fear that no one’s going to care about what I have to say. Today though, in the middle of drying my hair, I had a mild identity crisis. Followed by a strange urge to write. I thought how can I just start writing out of the blue, do I even have something to say?

Then, I remembered that about a year ago, I had the same urge. At the time, I decided that starting a completely new blog would be a brilliant idea. I could no longer relate to just being a fashion and lifestyle blogger, I had other things to talk about. And starting over seemed like the best option. But I didn’t. I registered a domain, started preparing content, setting up the new blog, and I never completed that project. See, the whole idea of a new chapter was great but it became an obstacle. Instead of taking a leap and just.. writing, which was the whole point, the whole situation became overwhelming. And I eventually gave up.

But today I was feeling spontaneous and I wanted to write. Immediately. Not because I had something profound to say. But because I really missed having a blank page in front of me and not knowing where it will take me. Being in control has been a coping mechanism for me throughout all these years. Casually writing an unplanned blog post felt like a way of surrendering that control. The only thing I had to do was to remember how to log into WordPress and just start writing. Luckily this thing is like riding a bicycle. You’re a little wobbly at the beginning but once you start rolling, habit pretty much takes over and thoughts become secondary.

So where am I right now?

Physically, in my bedroom/office in London. Mentally, trying to figure life out after a breakup and rediscover myself as a single 28-year-old woman in a post-pandemic world. A lot can change in a year. I don’t know about you but the past year felt like an entire decade to me! While we were all stuck at home and nothing seemingly exciting was happening on the surface, on a deeper level everything was changing.

As social creatures, spending time on our own isn’t exactly fun but it has been a truly eye-opening experience for me. From stuck and depressed, to suddenly discovering so much about myself and my present behaviours, and understanding how my past traumas and experiences shaped me into the person I am today. It’s been quite the journey. What started as simply reading a book, snowballed into a complete mindset shift, and a very needed one, indeed. Having a lot of spare time on my hands hasn’t been that bad of a thing after all.

Being in a dark place can be scary. You never know how long you’re going to be there, or how much effort it will take to get out. But when you do eventually get tired of dealing with the same situations, people and circumstances, and take responsibility of your life and happiness, your entire dynamic begins to change. And ultimately, your life starts moving in a completely new direction. This involves peeling off all of the unnecessary layers until all you’re left with is a true version of you. Ending an unhealthy relationship after many years. Communicating better with people around you. Expressing your needs after neglecting yourself throughout your entire adult life. Focusing on yourself and doing the things that you love. Talking to yourself in a kind and loving way. Walking away from situations that threaten your inner peace.

I’ll probably go into more detail about how that happened at a later stage, providing that I do stick to writing and sharing my thoughts in this shape and form. Today is more about checking in with myself. Seeing where I’m at and if this is still something I enjoy. Eight paragraphs in, I can definitely say I can commit to doing it on the regular. And if nobody wants to read it, it will be like an open journal that I write for myself. A place where I can share my thoughts and people can choose to visit whenever they want a little peek into my world and what’s going on inside my head.

I have to say, it’s kind of liberating starting this with no expectations. It feels like creating a space where I can truly express myself and be vulnerable, one note at a time. Which can be a hard thing to do with friends or family, especially when you’re a little fragile. Healing from past trauma is an incredible journey and being able to share it with others can feel truly empowering. So if you choose to follow along, I appreciate it. And if you got this far, thank you for reading.


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